Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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