you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
