He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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