as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
