Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
