sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You smell like stripper and shame
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The uberlube is also flammable
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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