If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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