he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
