My girlfriend figured out who you are.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
