the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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