My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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