I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What a dumb baby whore.
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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