so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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