My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
