i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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