just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
