my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
