is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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