Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
