i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
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lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
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As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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