I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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