I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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