Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
