I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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