We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
