Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
