I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
