I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
