Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
