If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
