the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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