I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
