Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
