bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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