I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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