I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
