Your mouth is God's brothel.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
