i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
