I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
