And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
