Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
