It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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