I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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