I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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