I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
