I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
