The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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