I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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