i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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