I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
