you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
